The Des Moines Register as a Berlin Cobbler's Apprentice.

13 September 1883

The Berlin cobbler's apprentices are well-known for loving their Berlin dialect and slang, and pity the poor foreigner who doesn't know either! The Knownothing and Prohibition press leaders have a lot in common with these cobbler's apprentices. They make faces at everybody and happily grumble to everybody who doesn't speak their language in its customary dialect or who doesn't get along in their language, but with one big difference, the cobbler's apprentice generally has a sense of humor while the Knownothing who wants to present himself as an educated gentleman has an immense lack of this which is given away as he tries to hide or replace it by distorting his mug. These gentlemen especially love to imitate or ape the incorrect language or pronunciation, which occurs frequently among Germans who lived their youth in Germany and only came to America much later in life.

This kind of humor, or better said, foolishness, now plays a roll in the Des Moines Whiskey institution and here's a sample of it:

DER PENEFITS IN TRINKIN. As I am deer boss wit a Beersaloon it was gust right dot I stand oop for dot peezness. Uv a man vas got a saloon mitt himself, I guess he vas know somethings apt trunks, ain't it?

I am aver dot lots uv vellers dot vants to save monish vas a-dryin to run down deer peezness. Der was John B. Go off und Suse Anthony, and Barnum's circus and plenty uv udder vellers; put ven I dolled you somethings, guess you could say: "Pully for Sauermilch? his het vas level."

Der Ort to be a rum school on every corner in every town, und den peezness vill be goot. Der whisky peezness helps eny town. No matter how dull peezness was beetles will spend deer monish fur trunks. Dis was broved efry tay. All offer Nye York you can find vorking mans dot vill go on some strikes because dye don't get more wages, und yet dose same mens vill spend fifty cents efry day fur whisky und bier. Dot brooves dot deer liquor peezness vas helping dread, ain't it?

Und dot vow not deer only vay; deer vas many udders. Uv it vas not fur trinket menny public buildings could not peen built - dese brisons, undo shails, und poor-houses, und inebriate asylums, und such dings: und eef dese houses vas not puilt, vy, uv gorse, deer meganics could hav nodding's to do, ain't it?

Uv you don't get some rum schools in ter town you couldn't need no shail und uv gorse you don't vant no sheriff, und vat could deer politicians done?

Uv deer vas no rum deer could been no murder, no fits, no stabs, no liken' your vie, no nodding fur deer newspapers, und vote could deer editors done? etc. etc.

So you have it, you German defenders of freedom and the American Republic! And those who screw up their mugs to you, and put themselves above you, know outside of their mother tongue neither German or French or Spanish or Italian, say nothing of Latin or Greek!